My Name is Gandalf … and I will fuck your shit up.

This is my man Gandalf. A lot of people know who he is, but do they realize what they’re looking at when they see him? Probably not, because he’s sandwiched in with other supreme badasses like Aragorn and … well … Aragorn (I’m not sayin’ that Strider’s a total scene whore, but really, when he’s around jibber-jabbing in Elvish or swinging his sword around, not a lot of people are paying attention to wizards).

What makes Gandalf a badass?

Um, for starters, lookit the picture here. Does this look like the kind of photo a normal, nice wizard would take? Not exactly, no. For one, there’s a distinct lack of unicorns and pixie dust (I have it on good authority that Gandalf killed and ate the unicorn and then one long continuous rail of pixie dust then fucked off to bang a female Treant till all her acorns fell off). For another, the only other guy to be as strong magically as him was Saruman and I’m pretty sure that batwing-for-eyebrows motherfucker was getting some of his power Fedexed from the Dark Lord himself. This picture says ‘Hey, I like to take really awe-inspiring black and white pictures of myself that are in no way absolutely threatening. If you touch that flash button I will ram my giant staff right down your throat.’ And he means it. Because not only is Gandalf one mean magic-flinging super wizard, he also wears a sword.

And it ain’t for show.

If you look close, that isn’t blackberry jam on the end of his sword, that is the blood of his fallen enemies. If you look closer still, you will notice a complete absence of his own blood, and this guy is wearing white. Sure he’s a wizard and could level an entire field of orcs with a couple dozen lightning bolts, but that lacks that up close personal feel of murdering your enemies with a sharp, pointy object. He’s right up there with Aragorn and the others with killing guys with a sword, but if you’re a total knob you’ll realize that at no point in the trilogy of films do you ever see Gandalf bleeding. Oh sure, there’s that part in the beginning where he gets tooned up by Saruman, but that was all part of a trick to get that gomer to reveal his duplicity. The rest of the time, Gandalf is swinging sword and staff and basically murdering his way through Mordor.

Think about that for a minute. Do you know of any other wizard anywhere using a sword?

No.

Because Gandalf would come along and fucking kill them.

But what makes Gandalf truly badass?

The Balrog.

Why?

Because, at the end of the first movie, Gandalf does that whole ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS’ thing, which is basically telegraphing in very simple words that no matter what there is going to be some skull-fucking going on. Even a slow kid who eats glue would have figured that one out, but obviously the Balrog, who’s been playing basketball with the goblins for too long, really really wants to eat Gandalf. He takes a step forward, the bridge breaks, and the big scary demon falls.

But not before pulling Gandalf along for the ride.

Rather than than asking for one of the others for help, Gandalf tells them all to run away, which, considering what happens next, is probably a good idea.

He falls. Or lets go. The jury is out, because on the one hand, he could’ve been saved, but on the other, Gandalf’s legendary bloodthirst is rising to the surface and he just has to kill him a Balrog.

Does Gandalf cast a spell and float to safety?

No.

Does Gandalf teleport or call on that lameass giant bird (who never shows up again to, like, offer them all a ride to Mount Doom, which is kinda lame, if you ask me).

No.

Instead, Gandalf turns out to be some kind of fucking skydiving genius and basically flings himself down pit right at the Balrog, pausing only long enough to catch his sword. And then, because the wizard has gone Hulk Smash Crazy, he grabs hold and begins wailing away with said sword, hacking and slashing and crushing and killing while falling to his own death.

On a demon.

That is on FIRE.

Gandalf is so intent on fucking this Balrog thing up that he completly ignores the fact that he could spontaneously combust or get crushed on the walls of the pit or get clawed/gored/stabbed/slashed or drowned or flattened or basically anything else you could care to imagine.

No one but a sword wielding magic-casting maniac by the name of Gandalf the Grey would even think about doing that.

And not only does he do it, but he wins and gets an automatic resurrection spell that makes him even more maniacal. There’s a reason why he sounds like Saruman when Aragorn and the others run into him in that forest. Because he’s ascended and felt like being so much of a dick that he wanted to scare the shit out of the very people he’s come back to help.

Yeah, that Gandalf.

I wouldn’t let him near my kids or sleep with both eyes closed.